Cheering Fans/Too Much Coffee

Hear ye, hear ye!

For those looking for the answer to life (the universe, and everything?) I have found it. Are you ready? Are you prepared to know, finally, the unknowable? Read on, dear ones.

The answer to life is - wait for it - working out in the morning.

I know, I know, getting up early is generally a shitty answer for anything. But I am telling you, this has been the missing link of my entire shabby life. Try it. Consider the following:

Scenario #1: Stay up way too late reading 17 blogs of people you've (mostly) never met until your eyes start to tear from the computer glare. Definitely be unable to fall asleep, and be angry about it, for a very long time. When your alarm goes off at 7:00 a.m., hit snooze every five minutes for one entire hour. Get up with the momentum and grace of a 75 year old arthritic grandpa. Stare at your weird hair in the mirror despondently for awhile while pumping yourself with caffeine. Snap out of your reverie when the dog barks. Commence racing around in wild panic to leave the apartment on time. Absolutely fail at this. Definitely do not leave yourself enough time to pack a lunch, put on makeup, or dry your hair. Arrive at work late and entirely disheveled. Feel like death, loathe yourself, hate the earth. Definitely don't become remotely productive until at least 10:00 a.m.

Scenario #2: Go to bed early, like a real person. Set your alarm for 6:30 a.m. Actually obey that goddamn thing and haul your ass up. Drink coffee while staring out window at rising sun, already feeling mildly triumphant and zen-like. Leave by 7:00. Arrive at gym by 7:30. Work out like a killer warrior girl for one entire hour. Imagine stands full of jubilant fans screaming themselves hoarse at your victory over your sloth-like self. Do extra crunches, saluting them in your mind. Get ready for work in the gym's dreamy, spa-like locker room, pretending you're in a fancy hotel as you help yourself to an extra towel. Revel in avoiding your own dirty apartment bathroom, where you ran out of toilet paper days ago and the stack of napkins you use as replacements are running low. Remind yourself to buy more toilet paper later. In your wild confidience, faintly believe you'll actually remember this later. Get to work on time, looking presentable. With actual makeup on your actual face. Begin takeover of planet earth.

Happy Friday.